What Parents Say vs. What Kids Hear
You’ve seen it a hundred times.
A parent leans forward on a folding chair, hands cupped around their mouth, yelling instructions during a U9 match. After the game, that same parent says, “I just want my kid to have fun.”
Here’s the tension: what parents say they want in youth soccer often doesn’t match what they say on the sideline.
A landmark qualitative study following first-time youth soccer parents over 15 months found that most parents genuinely valued fun, learning, and confidence—but their real-time sideline comments often drifted toward control, correction, and comparison. And that disconnect matters for player development, motivation, and long-term retention.
What the Research Actually Did
Researchers followed four families whose children were just starting organized youth sports, including soccer. They didn’t rely on surveys alone. Instead, they:
- Interviewed parents before and after seasons
- Collected parent journals
- Recorded everything parents said during games
Then they categorized sideline comments into six types:
- Praise/encouragement
- Performance feedback
- Instructions (“Pass!”, “Shoot!”)
- Mixed messages
- Negative comments
- Derogatory comments
At the same time, they tracked parent goals, which fell into three buckets:
- Instrumental (performance, skills, winning)
- Identity (how the parent or child looks to others)
- Relational (connection, support, family bonding)
The key finding: parents almost always held multiple goals at once—and those goals often conflicted.\
The Big Insight: Goals Drift Under Pressure
Early on, parents said things like:
- “I want my child to have fun.”
- “I don’t want to be that sideline parent.”
But once games started to matter more—scorelines, positions, comparisons—their behavior shifted. Instruction and criticism increased, even when parents believed they were being supportive.
One parent delivered over 40% of their comments as instructions, despite repeatedly stating that enjoyment was the top priority DorschSmithWilsonMcDonough2015.
This wasn’t about bad intentions. It was about moment-to-moment pressure.
5 Actionable Takeaways for Coaches, Clubs, and Parents
1. Replace Instructions with Anchors
Instead of yelling commands, encourage parents to use single anchor phrases:
- “Great effort!”
- “I love your hustle!”
These reinforce learning without hijacking decision-making.
2. Coach the Parents, Not Just the Players
Preseason meetings should include:
- What helpful sideline behavior looks like
- Why silence during play supports game intelligence
3. Normalize Goal Conflict
Tell parents upfront: It’s normal to want fun AND success.
What matters is which goal shows up loudest during games.
4. Save Teaching for the Car Ride (or Next Practice)
The study showed parents often self-edited better after games. Build that pause intentionally.
5. Design Sidelines for Development
Clubs can:
- Create “quiet halves”
- Use sideline signage (“Cheer effort, not outcomes”)
- Empower coaches to reset norms midseason
Bigger Picture: Why This Matters Now
Youth soccer is losing players—not because kids hate the game, but because the emotional climate gets heavy too early. Research like this shows that well-meaning adults can unintentionally increase pressure simply by talking too much.
The best environments align goals, behavior, and development.
Your Turn to Kick It Off
- What phrases do parents yell most often on your sidelines?
- How might fewer words lead to better decisions on the ball?
- What would change if clubs treated parent behavior as part of player development?
